The Carolinian, the teacher, and the slut
'Hey, whore!' - OpinionsYesterday, Tuesday, I was standing on the sidewalk in front of my house in the late afternoon. It was one of those gorgeous North Carolina spring days, crisp and warm. The sun was still out so I decided to pull on some of the vines that insist on murdering my roses as soon as it gets warm enough for the blossoms to grow. I was still wearing my clothes from school: blue jeans, boots with a heel, and a long-sleeved T-shirt.
I stood up for a moment to rest my back, facing Walker Avenue. My house sits on the corner of Walker and Mayflower Street, one block from campus. As I stood there, a car drove by with two young guys in it, headed west, away from campus. The passenger leaned of his window and yelled at me, "Hey, whore!" and the car kept driving.
I like living where I live, near college students, close to where I work. I'm a doctoral student at UNCG, and teach here too. I have a part-time job as a lawyer downtown. I'm 29 years old. I don't mind the parties in the neighborhood, and throw a few of my own. I get along well with my neighbors, both students and professionals. After attending institutions of higher education for 9 of the past 12 years, there is one thing that I have never gotten used to: how college men and women treat college women.
When the college guy in the car looked me in the eye and called me a whore yesterday, I laughed at how ridiculous the situation was. But just a few minutes ago, I saw a news clip of the Duke lacrosse team on television and I don't think his name-calling is ridiculous anymore. Perhaps the connection between one idiot on Walker Avenue and 45 idiots in Durham isn't apparent to everyone reading this column, so please give me a chance to elaborate.
I went to school with those idiots in Durham (Class of '98) and there are two things I can tell you about Duke and UNCG. First, they aren't any smarter over there in the Gothic Wonderland than we are here. Duke students, for the most part, simply have less to worry about (e.g. money). Second, Duke students don't treat college women any better than we do.
I'm teaching a course this semester on political rhetoric and my students are the absolute best. They are brilliant, and hard workers. Last night, I found out that one of my superstars, a male student, sat in a bar this week and called a woman a slut because she had slept not only with him, but also with a friend of his. (The "slut" in question was not there.)
A woman that was present for the conversation pointed out the obvious, that the speaker had slept with the "slut." It takes two, in case he had forgotten. When I heard about this conversation, I was so disappointed that my most forward-thinking, kind-hearted, and ethical male student could say such terrible things about a college woman.
I mean, really. If a woman that chooses to have sex with you is a slut, and a woman pruning her roses is a whore, then a woman that your sports team hires to dance topless at a private house party can be no more than a prostitute asking to be beaten, strangled, and raped. Right?
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I should have known better than to take a break from writing this paper to read the Carolinian. I always get mad about something, although I've never been angry about it in this way before.
Most people know how I feel about women's issues, and if you don't, all you need to know is that I am very passionate when it comes to that topic. The labeling of any woman as a "whore" or "slut" has always bothered me, no matter what context. In fact, I came very close to writing a similar column about the Duke rape. I'm so sick of people discussing this case and saying things like, "Well, she WAS an exotic dancer in a room full of boys," as if that justifies everything.
I have my own personal experiences with issues similar to the one Katie brings up, and I rarely choose to talk about them, instead letting them boil up inside of me, one on top of the other. It takes a certain mood, when I'm already fed up with people at this school and life in general, for me to finally break, and just let it all go.
I always think back to my first Women's Studies class with Dr. Showden, when it finally dawned on me how differently women were viewed by mainstream America. Watch C-Span for a while, and look at how disheveled some of the men are, even on the House and Senate floors. Imagine if a women tried to do the same. It doesn't happen. Studies are already coming out about how much more motivated women are today as compared to me. We're trying harder, and we're pushing the boundaries, because we're working with what we're given. And still these horrible stereotypes abound that women are little more than sex machines for men.
Most interesting to me about the column is the part where Katie tells the story about the boy calling the girl he and his friend both supposedly slept with a slut. Now, I say supposedly here, not because I doubt it happened, but because you can't HELP but doubt it happened. It's all part of the double-standard. Boy One has sex with a girl, Boy Two claims to have sex with the same girl, mostly to help pad his own "stud" reputation, and BAM, the girl's a slut. Nevermind what the real story may be. Nevermind that one or even both of the boys may be elaborating just for fun. Before it's all over with, they're telling their friends how they both did the same chick, and what a slut she is, meanwhile subconsciously (or blatantly) competing for who can get the most tail.
I'm not saying that the girl in question is entirely innocent. Maybe she did sleep with both of them. But I happen to know that more often than not, boys lie about sex to their friends. I can't even count the number of times it has gotten back to me that I supposedly slept with someone, when that couldn't be further from the truth. And while I usually just laugh it off by saying, "Yeah, in his dreams," it infuriates me like nothing else. WHY would this person go around telling people this? WHY would other people feel the need to spread the word? WHY and HOW does it eventually get told to someone who lets it get back to me? That's the vicious cycle of lies we live in, and that's what leads to most girls having "that" reputation.
Going along with that, I couldn't help but wonder how this teacher came to know about the two boys and The Slut anyways. Are there actually people who talk about their sex lives to their professors? How sad and disgusting. Those of you who read my old blog know that I'm in the process of writing a book, and I was going to touch on the issue of female stereotypes, but I think I have enough fodder there for a second book.
My thanks for out to Katie Rose Guest for writing this column. I'm glad I'm not alone here.
posted by Melissa @ 11:13 PM
12 Comments:
You are very much not alone. Using lewd names to disrespect women is unconscionable.
But since name-calling is part of the topic of your post, I couldn't help to wonder if there's any word to whether or not you actually mis-heard the UNCG's Anti-War Coalition calling you names a few weeks back? I mean we really should be about exposing disgusting, disrespectful behavior when it actually happens. Right?
Thanks for the clarification, Julie. I'm glad to see all of that cleared up here.
Of course this post has gotten some coverage at other areas of the Blogosphere (like Greensboro101 and Joel Gillespie's blog). I should hope things are cleared up out there as well.
There's always going to be two sides to every story. I myself said I was aware of the chant and assumed they were saying war, even though the guy with the bullhorn seemed to be saying otherwise. But when two students within 12 hours told me they had heard the same thing I thought I had, then I wasn't so sure.
I agree with Phil. The real problem here is not that certain jackasses, presumably students at UNCG, believe there’s nothing wrong with a little juvenile, drive-by name-calling on a sunny afternoon. The real problem is not that Katie Rose Guest was called a “whore” for daring to be outside on a beautiful Spring day. She obviously should have known better than to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And as Melissa extended things into the nationally covered alleged rape at Duke, the real problem is not the weak and ignorant attempts at justification (“Well, she WAS a stripper”) we’re occasionally hearing from time to time. Phil is absolutely right—the real problem is just that we don’t have enough derogatory names to call promiscuous men.
But other than that point, Phil, I'd have to vehemently disagree with you on your acceptability assertion. I would suggest that it is more acceptable to call a woman a woman than it is to call a woman a slut, but then that's just how my mama raised me.
Melissa: "Two sides to every story"? This is true. Way to spin things. Are you applying for McClellan's job? Problem with the "two sides" scenario is that your side comes with certain baggage that calls into question your ability to report the truth. So while UNCG's AWC might be "bat-shit crazy", while they may have been loud and disruptive that particular afternoon, I still have no reason to believe they are the chauvinist punks you characterized them to be.
"actually, the word on that is that melissa did in fact mis-hear the protestors. please refer to my comment on your original post on the subject. I'm a member of the ISO, who was there."
I've seen specific members of the ISO lying about their chants just minutes after they happen, so I don't really see this as a strong argument. Last fall ISO members lied to police after people complained about their "That's bullshit, get off it, this war is for profit" chant. They denied the chant had taken place, and denied that a bullhorn had been used. When the cop pointed out that a bullhorn was sitting on the ground next to their table, they had to admit that they just lied. It was entertaining.
You're absolutely right J-fish.
And as regards Whore/Wargate, you're all forgetting one very important thing: Melissa is a martyr.
Haven't you noticed that bad things always happen to her? It's because They All hate her. They're All out to get her because They can't stand how out-spoken and spunky she is so They All try to demonize and trivialize her. Well you just wait until she finishes her book, then They'll All find out what's what. They'll All find out the Truth when they read her boo...
Oh my God.
Melissa is Jesus.
Phil, are you clarifying your point or did I miss your point? It can't be both.
Phil:
If you were clear the first time, I would have "missed" nothing and there would be no need to clarify.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I understood what you wrote earlier. I understand the new things you are saying too. I'm uncertain if we agree that this process is "clarification" on your part and not "misunderstanding" on my part.
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JUST DROPPIN IN TO SAY,I'M PROUD OF WHAT YOU DID AND HOPE YOU DO FINISH WRITING YOUR BOOK SO THAT "IDIOTIC" DUKES OF HAZARD WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE SERIOUS IN WHAT YOU DO TO PROTECT THE RIGHTS OF WOMENS. PRAISE AND DON'T STOP!
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